“Leave the Grave, Ella”

Since we got to final debrief, my mind has been anywhere but where my feet are. It feels like I am empty and am so unpresent. I’ve had good days and have been enjoying my time but I have felt numb and it’s like the days are slipping away. It is an old feeling that I know too well. 

During a short time of worship tonight, we were singing “So Will I” and were encouraged to reflect on the lyrics. I sat and listened to a song I’ve heard what feels like a thousand times and asked the Lord to speak into the numbness that has been so heavy in my mind. 

“If you left the grave behind you, so will I.”

As I sang this line, I heard the Lord so clearly say “Leave the grave, Ella.” 

I heard this and didn’t even need to ask for clarification on what it meant. I knew He was telling me not to go back to my old ways. 

Something I’ve been processing through and fearing most about going home is that I will go home and return to old ways of avoiding emotion and choosing not to process and that the way the Lord has worked in my life will not be reflected by how I live after I get home. These two things are huge to what the Lord has been doing in my life over these past several months, He has taught me how to be a person who chooses to sit in what I am feeling and invite Him as well as the people around me into those spaces. 

I talked to one of my squad leaders several weeks back, and I remember she compared it to a baby learning to walk and choosing to crawl instead because it is familiar, it just doesn’t happen and it’s an intentional choice to continue walking. I remember the Lord spoke to me after hearing this and He told me that a baby doesn’t go back to crawling because they are too big and it would hurt them— the Lord reminded me that it would hurt me more to go back to my old ways because I have grown too much to have the old weights back on me and it would be uncomfortable. 

I am writing this to myself more than I am writing it to you but I felt compelled to share this: Whatever grave you are sitting in that the Lord has already walked you through, get out. Leave it behind! It’s a grave and it’s not meant to be a place you live in. You know the freedom of what it means to walk out of the grave, so stop letting lies straight from the enemy drag you back in. But in the times that you allow the enemy to pull you in, whether intentional or unintentionally, choose to be a person who remembers what the Lord has brought you through and don’t allow yourself to fall back into old habits and patterns. 

LIVE IN THE FREEDOM THAT THE LORD HAS GIVEN YOU!!!!