I’ve Fallen & I Can’t Get Up

Sometimes the Lord calls us to step into things that we really don’t want to. Since getting on the race, I have been asked to step into leading worship countless times. I brought my guitar with me because I knew it would lead me to being pushed into leading more, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. 

Rewind a few months to training camp, I show up with my guitar and everyone immediately starts asking me to play for them and asking me to lead. I said no for a while and would whisper sing if I was playing around anyone from the squad. 

Then, our squad got quarantined and I led a few times while still in Georgia but was terrified and didn’t know what I was doing. When we landed in Costa Rica our host in Turrialba handed me a guitar on day one of ministry and asked me to lead. I was so confused because she hadn’t even asked if I could play, she just handed me a guitar and said, go.

This became constant. We would leave for ministry in the mornings and Gaby would always yell upstairs, “Ella, you’re responsible for bringing the guitar and the coffee.” Lol, very fitting for me…Anywhere we would go; whether it was to pray for someone, to a waterfall, to town, or even once to hike a mountain, I would lead worship when we got there and wouldn’t stop until we left. Gaby spoke a lot of life into me and always told me that my worship “brought heaven down.” 

When we got to our new ministry here in Jaco we are partnering with their local church. Averie, the intern at Ocean’s Edge, told me that she would be putting my name on the list to do worship team whenever they needed someone to fill in. I ended up having her take me off the list because I was terrified and did not want to do it. 

One night Hannah and I were worshipping on the balcony and it ended up getting much louder than I anticipated it to. As we worshipped, people from the 11 and 11 squad that is here with us began coming upstairs asking who was leading and asking why I was not on worship team. 

I laughed and tried to avoid answering the question, until Jacken and Kev came up and were talking to me about it. Jacken asked me more and I shared with him my fear and insecurity that surrounds worship. I told him how it is something I rarely share and have always just done for myself. He encouraged me that it is a gift from the Lord and that my worship brings people into the throne room where they can join the angels in praise. (What an honor that is, wow!) He told me that the Lord was proud of me for the steps I have taken, but that He wants me to fall and jump into leading. 

I sat with Hannah later that night and told her I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next, and shared with her how scared of failing I was.

She said “Ella, you know what you are supposed to do next. Stop telling me you don’t.” she continued with, “What is failing if you are walking in obedience?”

This was honestly like a slap to the face but was so true and something I really needed to hear. Since then, I have been falling and it seriously feels like there is no way I can get back up.

I got asked to help lead worship at house church with Aaron and it terrified me, but the Lord used it as a time of redemption. I also got asked to help do background vocals for worship at youth group and I said yes, thinking I wouldn’t have to solo lead. Well, at rehearsal, Aaron asked me to lead both songs. Then, the worship director at the church, Geancarlo, asked me to help lead on Sunday morning and he has been speaking life into me and encouraging me to never stop. 

I’ve realized that when I do mess up, I am surrounded by so many people here who love me and want to help me walk into what the Lord is calling me into. I can’t fail because I am stepping into my calling & even if I do, it’s not about me. I get to use my gifts to lead people into the throne room. 

If you’re reading this the day I post it, Saturday, I am leading “No Longer Slaves” tomorrow at church. I would really love if everyone at home could be in prayer for me because I am still really nervous but am really excited! I think it is really fitting that tomorrow I’ll be leading people in singing, 

“I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God”

“My fears are drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
So I could stand and sing
I am a child of God”

I am done letting fear hold me back from stepping into my gifts and now I get to truly say that and step into it. Praise the Lord for the way He redeems things and chooses me over and over again.