While on the field, we have been in and out of community with probably hundreds of people over these 6 months. This was much harder than I ever thought it’d be.
For me, it‘s looked like learning how to have hard conversations and how to address things in a way that built the body up but was honest and vulnerable.
6 months ago if you would’ve asked me to be vulnerable with a group of people who I met weeks prior or to be honest even with some of the people I’m closest to back home, I would’ve laughed and said that it wasn’t really my thing. Sadly, for a while that’s exactly what I did.
The first few months of the race, I relied heavily on the community I had at home and struggled to let the people right in front of me into the parts of my life that I tried so hard myself to ignore. This was common feedback from my team and it was encouraged by leaders that I let walls down and started letting people in. I remember once a leader told me that this was a safe space to fail because I was surrounded by people who cared deeply for me and would walk alongside me in it.
I started reading books, talking to the Lord, and processing a lot of my life that I’ve never truly processed in an attempt to better understand why I had armour up. I sat and dug all the way to the root of why vulnerability is and has been so hard for me in my life.
I realized that a lot of this had to do with my independence. I have always been really independent which has led to me believing I could do things alone. It took a lot to open up and allow people into spaces of true vulnerability. To be blunt, I wasn’t even honest with myself or with the Lord a lot of the time. I would never process and would keep myself busy so that I never had to time to really see how I felt, truly deep down. If things weren’t well I would tell people I was just extremely tired and mask the struggles in my mind. I would convince myself of this which led to a lot of time feeling lost at what name to even put to my emotions and I would just be left feeling confused and paralyzed by fear and pride to let people in.
These past 6 months, the Lord has completely redefined what community looks like and what it looks like the boldly choose to show up and allow yourself to feel and even fail sometimes. It’s a scary thing and it is something I have to choose to do daily but the people on Gap 23 have walked and sat with me in things even when I can’t quite put my emotions into words and they’ve walked gracefully as I navigate it.
We’ve invited eachother into things that we have never shared with people we’ve known our whole lives and I’ve learned what it looks like to celebrate differences and choose into having harder conversations even if we disagree.
The Lord has broken down the walls I’ve had up about looking or seeming like I have it all together, trust me I don’t and never will. He’s stripped me back of pride and broken off chains of fear.
I’ve feared letting people into my quirky side where I’m passionate about goofy things and jump for joy at things that seem so silly or that some might call nerdy, but I’ve learned how to freely ramble about my passions or about how much I see the Lord in a sunset or a rainbow or even a single tree that stands out to me. I’ve learned that it’s okay if I pee my pants laughing at something that’s not even that funny (even if I do this way too often).
& I’ve learned that it’s okay if I am terrified to do something the Lord is calling me into, & it’s okay if I am wrestling with doubts about the Lord’s faithfulness because things don’t look how I thought, & it’s okay if I feel like I don’t belong because the Lord welcomes me with all my quirks.
The race has been the best and one of the most growing and hardest times of my life, even when it hasn’t looked like it. I’ve wrestled with doubts, experienced spiritual warfare like I never have before (woah, big statement I know, but the enemy has been hard at work), been called and had to step into things I feared for so long, met people with stories that I’m not even sure how they’re still standing, but I’ve had some incredible people walking alongside me in every moment to help hold me up.
Fear has had a grip on so many areas of my life and in the name of Jesus it has no power over me. I am FREE & there is true joy in His freedom.
Now, I choose to show up and allow people into the parts of life that aren’t always pretty and the ones that are so joyful I can’t help but let out a little squeal!
Vulnerability is scary but it is so rewarding.
The places when I’ve allowed myself to be the most vulnerable are the places I have felt most alive and have felt most seen and loved by both the Lord & the people around me.
