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I’ve Fallen & I Can’t Get Up

Sometimes the Lord calls us to step into things that we really don’t want to. Since getting on the race, I have been asked to step into leading worship countless times. I brought my guitar with me because I knew it would lead me to being pushed into leading more, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. 

Rewind a few months to training camp, I show up with my guitar and everyone immediately starts asking me to play for them and asking me to lead. I said no for a while and would whisper sing if I was playing around anyone from the squad. 

Then, our squad got quarantined and I led a few times while still in Georgia but was terrified and didn’t know what I was doing. When we landed in Costa Rica our host in Turrialba handed me a guitar on day one of ministry and asked me to lead. I was so confused because she hadn’t even asked if I could play, she just handed me a guitar and said, go.

This became constant. We would leave for ministry in the mornings and Gaby would always yell upstairs, “Ella, you’re responsible for bringing the guitar and the coffee.” Lol, very fitting for me…Anywhere we would go; whether it was to pray for someone, to a waterfall, to town, or even once to hike a mountain, I would lead worship when we got there and wouldn’t stop until we left. Gaby spoke a lot of life into me and always told me that my worship “brought heaven down.” 

When we got to our new ministry here in Jaco we are partnering with their local church. Averie, the intern at Ocean’s Edge, told me that she would be putting my name on the list to do worship team whenever they needed someone to fill in. I ended up having her take me off the list because I was terrified and did not want to do it. 

One night Hannah and I were worshipping on the balcony and it ended up getting much louder than I anticipated it to. As we worshipped, people from the 11 and 11 squad that is here with us began coming upstairs asking who was leading and asking why I was not on worship team. 

I laughed and tried to avoid answering the question, until Jacken and Kev came up and were talking to me about it. Jacken asked me more and I shared with him my fear and insecurity that surrounds worship. I told him how it is something I rarely share and have always just done for myself. He encouraged me that it is a gift from the Lord and that my worship brings people into the throne room where they can join the angels in praise. (What an honor that is, wow!) He told me that the Lord was proud of me for the steps I have taken, but that He wants me to fall and jump into leading. 

I sat with Hannah later that night and told her I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next, and shared with her how scared of failing I was.

She said “Ella, you know what you are supposed to do next. Stop telling me you don’t.” she continued with, “What is failing if you are walking in obedience?”

This was honestly like a slap to the face but was so true and something I really needed to hear. Since then, I have been falling and it seriously feels like there is no way I can get back up.

I got asked to help lead worship at house church with Aaron and it terrified me, but the Lord used it as a time of redemption. I also got asked to help do background vocals for worship at youth group and I said yes, thinking I wouldn’t have to solo lead. Well, at rehearsal, Aaron asked me to lead both songs. Then, the worship director at the church, Geancarlo, asked me to help lead on Sunday morning and he has been speaking life into me and encouraging me to never stop. 

I’ve realized that when I do mess up, I am surrounded by so many people here who love me and want to help me walk into what the Lord is calling me into. I can’t fail because I am stepping into my calling & even if I do, it’s not about me. I get to use my gifts to lead people into the throne room. 

If you’re reading this the day I post it, Saturday, I am leading “No Longer Slaves” tomorrow at church. I would really love if everyone at home could be in prayer for me because I am still really nervous but am really excited! I think it is really fitting that tomorrow I’ll be leading people in singing, 

“I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God”

“My fears are drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
So I could stand and sing
I am a child of God”

I am done letting fear hold me back from stepping into my gifts and now I get to truly say that and step into it. Praise the Lord for the way He redeems things and chooses me over and over again. 

18 Comments

  1. FREAK YEA ELLA!!! I AM SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU AND LOVE YOU SO DEEPLY. You are such a gift to get to have in my life and I love watching you walk more confidently in the gift the Lord has given you. MANY MANY KISSES FOR MY ELLA BUG

  2. Praying for you friend!! I love you, and I know you’re going to do great as long as you’re doing what the Lord wants! ????

  3. I’m sobbing!! Why is it every time I read your blog I sob??? I love you so much baby girl and couldn’t be prouder if you. Watching you grow these last few months has amazed me. You were born for greatness baby girl and you will rock this I know it. I only wish I was there to hear it!! I will be praying for you. You got this Ella Rose!!

  4. It is so cool to watch you step out in faith!! I’m learning so much from you all the way in nash!! God’s got you & I will be praying ????

  5. So proud of you as I read this with a little tear in my eye. Sing and lead sweet Ella.. you have got this and He has you ????????

  6. I have no doubt the Lord will Provide you with everything you need . Love Nana

  7. We are praying for you!!! By the way, We hear that you are doing an AWESOME job!!’ Keep it up. We love ya!!!

  8. Really dang proud to be here with you. So sweet and such evidence of the Lord’s plan. SEE YOU SO SOON AARON!!!

  9. I LOVE YOU CHICKEN! PROUD TO KNOW YOU AND IT IS SO FUN TO LEARN FROM YOU. HUG YOU SO SO SOON!!! THANKFUL FOR THE WAY YOU PUSH ME TO GROW.

  10. Missing you sweet friend, you are just the kindest. Thankful for you and the prayer warrior you are.

  11. I love you so so so much Mommy. Thankful for your love and the way you support me so well in all things, missing you extra hard.

  12. Love you sweet sweet friend. Praying for you so hard and super proud of the person you are and the person you are growing into.

  13. im so stinkin’ proud of ya!! it’s no
    coincidence that the Lord gave me a vision for raising up worship leaders and then we met a week later. you’re gifted and the Father’s gonna use you to rattle dry bones, sis. i’ll be prayin for ya im the morning and i’ll SEE YA SOON!!

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